How To Shit On a Plane
POSTED BY Rick Latona IN Featured

“I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly” – R Kelly

Business Travel takes practice. Here are a few tips I’ve learned over the years.

For at least 2 weeks before a long-haul flight, avoid movie rentals and pay-per-view. Otherwise, you’ll you may find yourself actually watching a movie about a water horse not once but twice.

Regarding luggage, my daughters can claim fame to the largest collection of broken dolls from around the world. I prefer hard luggage. I like to be able to bring home mementos without them breaking. This isn’t to say they don’t break anyway. They just break a little less.

When going across this spinning rock, you have a few choices. Wake up early and be awake the whole flight, stay up all night and try to sleep on the plane or stay up all night partying and continue partying on the plane until you pass out 40 minutes before landing. I recommend avoiding the later. These days I work until I pass out. It’s also a bit more profitable.

Hard at Work after battery died

You don’t have to fly business class to go through the business class line. No matter what country I’m in and what airline I’m flying and what class I’m in, I still go to the business class line when I check in. If I’m ticketed in coach, I simply ask, “Can I upgrade”? If they reply with, “Sure it’s 129,000 dollars” I just tell them, “never mind, just check me in”. It never fails. They print my boarding pass and I’m on my way while the rest of the saps are waiting in the coach line.

Why is it that you have to put your seat up at takeoff and landing? My best guess is that it’s similar to it being safer to sit closer to the steering wheel when driving. The closer you are to the object, the less speed your face will have at impact. That being the case, why not tell everyone to lean their chairs back? That way everyone is still the same distance but we start our mutilation and probable death in comfort.

Babies, overweight people and flatulence can all cause misery if not handled correctly. Here are a few tips. Lotion below the nose helps with smelly neighbors. If you really want to do it right, keep in mind that the lotion only has a shelf life on your nose of about 20 minutes. A true traveling C.B.A. would tell the aggressor that they are aware of their stink and request a warning signal so they could dose up on lotion before the stench hits the nostrils. Always bring an MP3 player in case of babies and lastly if your single-serving-friend weighs more than 350 pounds, you flight is going to suck. I'm digressing.

One time, I was booking a flight for a friend and I chose a Muslim meal for him as a joke. To this day, he still can’t fly without being inspected. Don’t do that to anyone you really like. Do that to anyone you don’t really like.

When possible, bring extra batteries.

No article about plane travel is complete without discussing the bathrooms. Rule #1, always lift the seat with a paper towel and not your bare hand. You never know what is on the bottom of the lid. Rule #2, unless you are starting your journey in Bangalore, don’t eat Indian food before the flight. If you must shit, and you have the luxury, wait until no one else is in line, put the seat down with a tissue in your hand and wipe it off thoroughly. If you are the type that takes your shoes off on long flights, please put them back on before entering the loo.

In case of emergency, white lights lead to red lights. Oxygen is flowing even if the bag isn’t inflated and your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device.

My work here is done

  • http://www.chinalawblog.com China Law Blog

    Good advise, but I would say at least a month re the movies.

  • Rob

    Funniest thing I've read in quite a while.

    Air travel sucks. The only thing worse than air travel is car travel longer than three hours. And, yes, I've also had the experience of sitting next to an oversized passenger. I literally didn't have enough room to reach into my pocket to grab my wallet to pay for a drink. The flight attendant gave it to me for free.

    Thanks for lightening up the day.

  • Viju

    One time i was sitting next to a rather oversized passenger in coach class..it was pretty funny coz the channels on her personal tv just kept changing randomly...it was quite funny

  • http://www.domainweek.com Ryan

    If you really like peace and quite on an airplane, don't forget a really good pair of noise-canceling headphones. They block out the engine and background noise, and you can hear your movie or mp3 more clearly at a lower volume.

  • http://www.askshane.org/ Shane

    I had always wanted to know the answer to the question about seat backs and tray tables and finally remembered to ask last night because of this post. The answer was surprisingly obvious (at least to me).

    It's to make the row as easy as possible to exit from in the case of a crash (which, I guess, is most likely during takeoff/landing). With the seat back and/or tray table down, it's harder to get out of the row and get to an exit.

  • http://www.dailybull.com Gordon

    Shane,

    That is also why the exit rows either have extra legroom, or the row in front of them don't recline (or both). TWA for some reason also used to have a policy that you had to open up the window shade on takeoff and landing - never understood that one.

  • http://www.dailybull.com Gordon

    Oh yeah Rick, You should also mention the single most annoying people on the planet. People who are in the row behind you who somehow think they are going to get into the aisle and off the plane before you. I have more respect for the guy who steals my car than I do for the people who try to pull that stunt.

  • Ben Starling

    Hey Rick -- The best of my new job is that I no longer fly every week. Never realized how much I enjoyed being on the ground and not feeling as if I had to keep Delta in business.

    Interesting title... oddest thing I ever saw was a guy about our age heading to the bathroom on an early morning flight with his newspaper folded under his arm. He came up from coach and must have stayed in the first class bathroom for 30 minutes. When he exited, the newspaper was refolded and he smiled. I rolled my eyes and felt sorry for the dear older lady who entered the bathroom as soon as he exited!

    All the best.

    Ben

  • http://www.ricklatona.com/ Rick Latona

    Ben, on the flight I was reading a book called How to Shit in the Woods. I thought it would be fun to make a play on their title.

  • http://nigro.us jn

    this post was hilarious especially the muslim meal part. I used to order the Kosher meals but I got stuck with some really nasty one one time and stopped doing that.

    I fly every week and found that the best $400 i ever spent was on a Priority Pass for access to almost all of those airport VIP lounges. Continental and Northwest seem to be the best (no charge for booze or wireless). Hopefully i dont need it next year as i will have enough miles. The one time you have a 6 hour delay and you will see the card is a lifesaver.

    I agree about the business class boarding it works every time they could really care less - it is just a formality. This is crucial when you need to get overhead space on a completely booked flight.

  • lala

    i like that muslim food comment, never knew that, i would normally order "kids meal" or "diabetic" for a "friends" as a joke

    plus i'de like to add- its great to have few sleeping pills on a long distance (12-16+hr) travelling

    i do double vodka/ two sleeping pill combo at the first drink round and they waking me up on a landing

    its also recommended to have a sunglasses handy, as it takes good time to get your eyes cleared

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